What Do You Really Really Want?

I get annoyed with job ads that want three people in one applicant. Like this.

EXPERIENCED JOURNALIST REQUIRED

Skilled Headline Writer
Must be experienced journalist.
Skilled Headline Writer Must know Quark intimately.
Be acquainted with Photoshop.
Have keyboard speed of 60+ wpm.
Be super proficient with Apple platform.

What is it you really want? A good journalist or a good graphic artist? Or do you want an editorial assistant to type down dictation?

And when the employer asks for so many skills in one position you can only expect them to be tight arses who will pay their employees bugger all.

No wonder this employer seems to have an ad in Seek every couple of weeks.

A journalist who knows Quark intimately? Eugh!

Design Money, No Really Design Money

Believe it or not, Note Printing Australia (NPA) is a world leader in the manufacture of polymer bank notes and has exported banknotes to more than 20 countries. They also make Australian passports on behalf of the Commonwealth government.

They're looking for an Artist/Illustrator who's really into fine line, detailed illustrating to produce banknote designs for national and international currencies.

I'll leave the rest to the job ad.

Applicants should have a strong ability for portraiture, in particular with tonal renderings and detailed ink drawings. Applicants should also possess the ability to translate tone into line, with an aptitude for fine line, detailed art. Experience with Adobe Illustrator and Photoshop applications is highly desirable.

This position may include domestic and international travel for training and customer interface.

Applicants should preferably have attained formal qualifications in fine arts, and will need to show a folio of relevant recent work.

Applications, including a cover letter and resume, should be forwarded to:

The Human Resources Department
Note Printing Australia
PO Box 21
CRAIGIEBURN VIC 3064

Or via email to: john.girardi@npal.com.au

Applications close 21 April 2006.

Could You Work At An Emergency Call Centre?

I heard the most incredible radio documentary yesterday. In 000 Ambulance you get to listen in on phone calls coming into Victoria's 000 (Australians call 000, not 911) emergency call centres.

These calls are harrowing.

A man calls from his backyard after poking his eye OUT of the socket with a shovel.

A husband calls in his wife's stroke.

Heroin users resuscitate an overdosed mate.

Onlookers help out a victim of a baseball bat attack.

But this Radio Eye documentary isn't voyeurism. We hear from some of the emergency call takers and find out how they cope with these calls.

How would you deal with a SIDS call?

I couldn't.

Here's a link to the podcast of this hour of stunning radio.

A What Ranger?

The Brambuk Park & Cultural Centre at Halls Gap is advertising for an "Interpretation Ranger". The rest of the world is wondering, "What the hell is an Interpretation Ranger?"

Here's a clue...

"The main focus of the role is to assist in developing and delivering the education and interpretation services..."

Whatever they may be.

"You will also be responsible for assisting in expanding interpretation and education networks, preparing resource materials and providing technical information. This will also include assisting in the implementation of budgets and programs relating to Brambuk the National Park & Cultural Centre."

Nope, still confused.

Interpretation Services. Here's my interpretation....

Anybody who wants to: write a novel, stageplay or movie set in Halls Gap; conduct interpretive dance in the park; or spread rumours about the park's impressive rock structures will have to argue for approval from the Interpretation Ranger.

A more accurate interpretation of the position can be found at www.dfp.com.au.

One Of The Best Jobs In The World, Ever

The Starlight Children's Foundation is looking for a Wishgranting Coordinator to "Brighten the lives of seriously ill and hospitalised children."

Yes, you can be THAT person.

Based in Melbourne, you will look after all all aspects of the Wishgranting program, talking to children, families, doctors, volunteers, donors, sponsors... the whole special shebang.

Selection Criteria:

* Background in health or health related experience preferable
* Understanding of the needs of children and families coping with a serious illness
* High level written and verbal communication skills
* Experience in the development and delivery of training sessions
* High level computer skills in Word, Excel, Power Point and Database management
* Highly organised and effective work practices
* Proven ability to work under pressure
* Ability to effectively manage a number of different activities
* Ability to relate to people at different levels
* Demonstrated experience in working with children
* Prior experience as a volunteer or working with volunteers preferable
* Familiarity with the park layouts of Dreamworld, Seaworld and Disneyland
* Understanding the needs of sports stars, pop stars and politicians

The best bit of the job ad is this little sentence.

Integral to this role will be your ability to demonstrate empathy, respect and care of all stakeholders.

Stakeholders? Who writes this merde? Number two in the selection criteria says so much best. Better would be to let the applicant work out that bit for themselves.

Applications to nikki.collard@mcarthur.com.au by Friday 11th November 2005

Note: I made up the last two selection criteria.

Redundant Journalists Wanted

Crikey's response to yesterday's announcement of 60 redundancies at The Age and Sydney Morning Herald.

Ace Daytura, Tree Detective

The Bayside City Council are looking for a ...get this... "Investigations Arborist" to cut down the big guys who flout the council's strict tree protection laws.

There's a bunch of "significant trees" out there and somebody's got to protect them. You will also check up on small tree permit applications and will be giving advice to amateur pruners on Bayside's mean streets.

You're off the case if you don't have a Degree in Arboriculture.

Position description in full.

Why I'm Still The Beaver

I still got no job, interesting or otherwise.

The economists reckon I should have a job by now 'cos it's a 'jobseekers market'.
The government reckon it's because I'm failing to meet my mutual obligations.
The pundits at Crikey reckon it's because I was once a unionist.
The people at the gym say it's because I'm not doing enough reps.
John Lennon reckons it's because I'm a dreamer but luckily I'm not the only one.
The mystics believe it's because I'm cursed.
Mark Latham reckons it's because my parents never read to me and that I'm a suckhole.
Nobody cares what the federal opposition have to say of the matter.
Germaine Greer reckons it's because employers are scared of boys who refuse to 'grow up'.
The horoscopes reckon it's because my moon's got crabs.
Brian Wilson just guesses I wasn't made for these times.
Australian Idol's Mark Holden reckons he's seen me perform well but hasn't yet seen me take my performance to the next level.
The guy who fixes my tires reckons my career is only flat on the bottom.

I'm with the mystics.

Dog Catcher, Full Training Provided (To You, That Is)

A stray dog, yesterday., originally uploaded by glennpeters.

The Lost Dogs Home needs an Animal Control Officer to work the Darebin beat.

Duties include collection and impoundment of stray domestic animals (picking up felons), especially dogs and cats, permit inspections and animal business audits (hassling Mr Bigs), dog attack investigations (investigations, alright!), education (visiting schoolkids), park patrols and the general enforcement of the provisions of the Domestic Animals Act.

Forget The Bill, this is crime fightin'.

A background or exposure to the regulatory environment of animal welfare/management legislation is an advantage, but not essential as full training will be provided.

To find out more, call Kevin Apostolides on 9329 2755, email your CV to kevina@lostdogs.org.au or mail it to:

Confidential: Animal Control Officer
Kevin Apostolides
The Lost Dogs’ Home
2 Gracie Street
North Melbourne Vic 3051

Dig Graves For A Living

Some pundits reckon it was fear of career change which caused Mark Latham to release his spiteful diaries.

Well, here’s a job the former Labor leader could easily fall right in to.

The Emerald Cemetery Trust is looking for a “flexible, sub contracting grave digger to work with a team of volunteer trustees.”

They reckon the job should be quite easy as only about 36 graves are dug each year.

Contact June Howard after hours on 03 5968 5245. Yes, that was June, not John Howard.

Done.

Can you believe I wrote all this with only one bad pun?

If only Latham showed such self control.

Been Jilted? Experienced Groom Wanted

A dressage/breeding yard in Glenorie, NSW is looking for a new groom.

But you're going to need a little more than a pair of shiny brogues and a cumberbun to get this job.

The stable's only interested in grooms who are "very competent with stallions, mares, geldings and young horses," and have had experience in dressage or an equine degree.

Question. Is dressage really a sport? A bunch of dolled up horses fannying about in plaits all day. I'm not having any of it.

Fannying about like a horse. Collingwood's Ryan Lonie's been doing that for years.

Position description in full.
Somewhat disturbing photo by a somewhat disturbing Singaporean doctor.

The Most Beautiful Boat Factory On Earth

Who wouldn't want to work here?

Employers Too Picky Says Bigtime Recruiter

I've long suspected this.

According to a report in AdNews the candidate shortage in marketing and advertising roles can be blamed on employers themselves.

The most recent forecast by Hays Recruiting put the finger on 'the choosy nature' of employers.

Hays' Grahame Doyle told AdNews:

"Employers are very particular aboutthe specific skills set required for each role, which is creating demand for specific skills rather than for generic roles. Employers also seek candidates with experience in their sector, and in most instances are unwilling to comporomise on this factor."

And here's the no brainer...

"While they are being precise about their requirements, Doyle said employers will have to be more flexible if they want to fill in roles. "You can't have an endless list of criteria," he said.

Exactly. Stop asking applicants stoopid questions and just give them the job THEY CAN DO, damnammit!

What Shall I Be? The Exciting Game Of Career Girls

Getting good career advice has always been a tough gig. In 1966 the task was made so much easier for the ladies with the release of this terrific board game.

According to Bradley's Almanac, the blog which found the game in a mate's closet, the aim of the game is to be the first player to become either but only a teacher, actress, nurse model, ballerina or airline hostess.

And here's what badness can happen if you happen to pick up a bad chance card.

You are clumsy. Bad for Airline Hostess, Ballet Dancer, Model and nurse.
You get too excited. Bad for Airline Hostess and Nurse.
You are overweight. Bad for Airline Hostess, Ballet Dancer, and Model.
You don't speak clearly. Bad for Teacher and Actress.
Your make-up is too sloppy. Bad for Airline Hostess and Model.
You are a slow thinker. Bad for Airline Hostess and Nurse.
You have pox. Bad for Nurse, Airline Hostess and Model.

bradley's almanac

Rubber Ducky Tester

In her new job as marketing manager for a Melbourne based toy designer, my sister has spent the last week testing the durability of Winnie The Pooh dolls and get this, seeing which of the company's new rubber ducky designs float best.

Yes, one or two came back from the factory with the floating abilities of a Mack Truck.

Folks Are Dumb Where I Come From

Been a long time since my last posting here but hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles, that's the way the bee bumbles, that's the way the frost bites, that's the way the gnat nights etc.

Networking. One of the toughest bits about finding an interesting job is looking for the right people to hang out with. A new site, FolkLikeMe is a promising idea, a career/knowlege based dating agency webthingy where you peddle your knowlege, skills and interests.

The site reckons all kinds of people will hang out there like:

"an intellectual in Idaho writing a PHD; a coal mine manager in Australia ; a student of Taoism in Hong Kong or a telecommunications consultant in Malaysia." And that "each is an unique individual, and looking for someone with that same uniqueness; not to share an intimate dinner for two, or to find a job, or rent an appartment - but something inherently more potent: knowledge."

More spiel:

"FolkLikeMe is an online place where birds of a feather flock together. A place for thinkers as well as doers. A place where like minded people can find each other, interact, learn and share knowledge and skills. FolkLikeMe is a social networking service, modelled after the online dating model, but more interested in matching people's minds than bodies."

Nice and all but I suspect the place like many others who've tried similar, is going to be filled with helvetica-obsessed graphic design graduates like anaesthesiac, who says on his profile:

"Music keeps me alive and graphic design keeps me sane. The world is a fractal environment. Every brick, leaf and person contains infinite detail. Every sound contains more meaning than we can imagine. The deeper we delve, the more we find. I want to see it all before I leave."

Or Novaman88, who reckons:

"I'm into creativity of all types.Initially trained in the vis. arts. I actually went on to become an artist. It was easy to go from that into writing and recoding music. Later I studied English/ philosophy at uni. and found that all similar subjects relate.I'm thus a creative philosopher."

And Jam Girl:

"I live with enthusiasm and curiousity, I paint with dedication and relish, I cook (vegetarian cuisine) with abandon and flair. I'm looking to improve my employment network and add to my already excellent circle of friends. I love an informed discussion, and a good laugh."

Shouldn't she be using the "flair" in her painting and "relish" in her cooking? And how about Novaman88? "I'm thus a creative philosopher." Oh dear. Maybe instead they should have called the site, PeopleLikeUs.

FolkLikeMe.com - Matching Brains, Not Bodies

But I Want an Interesting Job: The Joke

"A mate of mine has just been sacked from his job working on the dodgems. He's suing them for funfair dismissal."

Turd Polishing 101

Here's a call for dancers at Melbourne strip club, The Men's Gallery.

FULL TRAINING PROVIDED
HIGH EARNING POTENTIAL $$$
SAFETY, COMFORT & PRESTIGE

The Men's Gallery is training applicants to become highly paid dancers. Excellent facilities & conditions with flexible hours. Full training provided & wonderful support from both club & dancers. Safety, comfort & prestige are our hallmarks. Dance choreographer, hairdresser & masseur are some of the services provided. Are you energetic, love being the centre of attention, enjoy diversity & WANT to have GREAT FUN & earn GREAT MONEY.

Hmmm... Safety? Comfort? Prestige?

This ad reminds me of an old circus fable. Guido ran away to join the circus and got a job administering enemas to the elephants. After a few months a nasty rash developed on his arm.
He visits a doctor and the doctor asks what Guido does for a living.
"I'm the enema boy at Ringling Brothers Circus, sir."
"Ah, that explains it. You're allergic to elephant faeces and you will have to get another job."
"What, and quit show business?"

My Other Sites

My Card
Originally uploaded by glennpeters.

Don't forget about my other sites.

Since 2001 I've ran The Nightwatchman, a blog about modern culture's most interesting stuff. You know, the stuff you read about in the woderful Boing Boing and This Modern World.

If AFL football is your weakness, or even if you are losing your office AFL footy tipping competition, you may want to check out my pathetic homage to the Collingwood Football Club, Victoria Park.

Lastly, (this is the important bit), if you want to hire me as a writer, visit my writing homepage. Yes, I do want an interesting job.

Don't Talk About It. Just Do It.

How far would you go to get an interesting job? Would you work for a tobacco company? Would you work for a company like Global Solutions Limited which runs the infamous Baxter Detention Centre?

To answer these questions, students at America's Stanford University started Students For Informed Career Decisions (SICD). What is it with student orgs and acronyms?

Anyway, they encourage graduates to take this pledge.

"I pledge to explore and take into account the social and environmental consequences of any job I consider and will try to improve these aspects of any organizations for which I work."

I like this little piece of pragmatic activism. SICD don't argue for unrealistic bans on taking jobs at dodgy companies. Instead, they encourage us to think a little more about the place we work at.

Their website also lists a bunch of questions you can ask (if you have the balls) at job interviews like...

"How is your company socially responsible?"
"How do your products or services make the world a better place?"
"How much money does your company spend on political contributions/lobbying expenditures?"
"If you are in a spaceship that is travelling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"

Last question by Steven Wright.

Read more and take the pledge.